Review
Title: When I Was Red Clay: A Journey of Identity, Healing, And Wonder
Author: Jonathan T. Bailey
Publisher: Torrey House Press
Genre: Memoir
Year Published: 2022
Number of Pages: 159
Format: Paper, Ebook
ISBN: 978-1948814638
Price: Paper, 16.95; Ebook, 8.99
Reviewed by for the Association of Mormon Letters
When I Was Red Clay: A Journey of Identity, Healing, And Wonder, by Jonathan T. Bailey, is one of the briefest books I have read this year. Including its “Afterword,” the text of the book barely crosses 151 pages. Despite this brevity, it is also one of the most profound, powerful, and poignant books I have read this year, perhaps ever. In Red Clay, Bailey mixes prose, memoir, poetry, and personal musings to narrate his journey growing up as a Gay Mormon environmentalist with autism in rural Southern Utah.
In his “Author’s Note” at the beginning of the book, Bailey writes that Red Clay is memory and:
Like memory, it is not linear, and does not begin, nor end, but exists as it emerged in dreams, journals, letters, poems, and thoughts—giving allowance for neurodivergent ways of experiencing the world. It is also a story of loss and healing.
I loved this aspect of the book. By letting his story emerge in this manner, Bailey added to his story’s power and provided insight for his readers into the life of a neurodivergent person.
The “Author’s Note” also states these wise and hard-won words:
In the wake of loss, we pick up our brushes, our sewing needles, our microphones, and our pens, and we create a better world, regardless of whether we can inhabit it. We make loving families and open-armed communities. In literature and art, we create new worlds where being different is not only tolerated but celebrated. Little by little, we lay nourishing soils where we once knew hardpan and plant seeds of inclusivity in our lives and for generations to follow.
Bailey adroitly fulfills this goal as he guides you in his unique and non-linear way through his loss and hardship and as he takes up his pen and creates nourishing and inclusive soils from the hardpan of his life. As you read Red Clay and accompany Bailey through his experiences and beloved canyons, you will learn how to create a better world, how to make more loving families, as well as open-armed, inclusive communities that celebrate differences.
I’m conflicted about how detailed to be in this review. I marked something on just about every page – short passages, long passages, events from Bailey’s life, poems, and more. Many times, as I was reading, I found myself moved to tears or in awe by what I was learning and experiencing. I would stop and ponder and reread sections multiple times. Bailey’s ability to create vivid images with his words made it easy for me to connect what I was reading with experiences in my own life. As I read, I shared numerous passages with friends and co-workers and encouraged them to read the entire book. So if I wrote about everything in this book that I loved my review would be as long as the book itself. With some difficulty I have constrained my comments to just a couple of passages that I feel demonstrate the power of Bailey’s writing. In a chapter titled “Double-Headed Passerine” Bailey describes his loss of faith and some of the bullying he experienced. He writes:
Losing faith in the church requires you to reconsider your perception of identity. It’s more like a head-on collision. You take that wreckage and you make a new person out of it. You take the warped metal, broken glass, and the steering wheel, and shape it into a self that feels safe and familiar. In my case, whatever Scrabble tiles specialists use to define my dust-bunny brain, the person I became is influenced by more than sexual identity. He is shaped by love, wilderness, trauma, and neurological handicaps. p. 84
Anyone who has experienced loss of faith or trauma will find power in those words. Those who have not will learn about those who have.
The final paragraph of that chapter describes some of the trauma that Bailey experienced and his pondering on it as he looked back at is younger self:
I am holding a photograph of a boy who is eleven years old and terrified of this life for which he lacks the vocabulary to explain. His present, I think, may be as difficult to conceptualize as his future. I won’t tell him of the noose raised at the nearest LGBTQ+ club, or the man whose jaw was broken because he showed affection to his partner on Fourth Avenue. I won’t tell him he was called a faggot when he decided it was safe to wear pride clothing amid this new city in southern Arizona. I won’t tell him many things about his sexuality and disability, and ever do I wonder when we can both stop pretending. p. 86
That these and the other abuses that he suffered all occurred in predominantly LDS communities should give anyone who claims the title of “Saint” pause about what is happening in their communities in the name of their religion.
I heard about When I Was Red Clay from a friend sometime back. I considered getting it for months, but my reading list was long and I kept putting it off. On June seventh 2023 I reached out to Torrey House Press about getting review copies for the Association for Mormon Letters. They replied on the eighth and offered me a last-minute invitation to travel three hours from Twin Falls to Salt Lake to meet Jonathan Bailey at an event they were sponsoring the next day called “Voices of Pride.” My ace daughter and I decided to go. We loved Bailey’s (and the other speaker’s) presentations. We were each given a copy of the book. I am the book review editor for the AML. I receive MANY books on a regular basis. I try to read or skim them all so that I am informed about them when I post reviews. This leaves me LITTLE time to write reviews so I am VERY selective about which books I choose to review. But I fell so in love with Red Clay that in the week and a half after attending “Voices” I dropped all of the other books I was reading and read Red Clay three times, not counting all of the passages I read multiple times during those read-throughs. I felt that I had to say something about it.
Red Clay is a powerful, life-changing book. Bailey is an amazing author who chooses his words carefully and composes them in such a way as to create powerful images and evoke tremendous feelings. His writing brings to mind the works of Annie Dillard, of reading Thoreau or Desert Solitaire, of studying the life and writings of Everett Ruess, and of reading works by environmental activist Katie Lee. When I Was Red Clay: A Journey of Identity, Healing, And Wonder touched my heart and soul. Bailey has opened up his life and invited his readers to learn from his trauma and intimate moments and my life is better because he chose to share.