Review
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Title: Revising Eternity: 27 Latter-day Saint Men Reflect on Modern Relationships
Editors: Holly Welker
Publisher: University of Illinois Press
Genre: Religious Non-Fiction
Year Published: 2022
Number of Pages: 272
Binding: Paperback and Hardcover
ISBN-13: 978-0252086427 (Paperback)
Price: $19.95 (paperback)
Reviewed by John Engler for the Association for Mormon Letters
Revising Eternity has reminded me that reading books can be a great adventure. I had no idea what I would find in the book—the cover art, the title, the sub-title—none of it clued me into what lies between the covers. Not only was the content itself unexpected, it was unexpectedly moving. By no means does that mean it was an easy read. This book left me profoundly affected by the self-told stories of these 27 men.
To be honest, when I first saw the physical copy of the book, I was disinterested in reading it. The glossy photo cover, the overly-saccharine cover photo itself, and the text (font, line spacing, kerning, page layout)—the package of the book itself screams “textbook.” It held absolutely zero appeal for me, and if I had seen it on the shelf in a bookstore, I never would have picked it up.
The thing that got me to begin reading was the fact that Patrick Mason had written the forward. I’m a fan of almost everything that Patrick, a friend of mine, writes. That said, even though the forward was not his most inspiring piece of writing, he encourages readers, and so I was willing to take him at his word. Admittedly, this slow start with the book probably contributed to what was to become an adventuresome experience.
Once I started reading, I almost immediately found my footing undercut. The essays are honest, heart-rending, profound stories of the human condition and not at all the narratives I was expecting. Based on the cover art, I expected essays about the challenges of typical temple marriages. Or perhaps, I thought, I’ll be reading about the perennial issue of the challenge of men having meaningful friendships later in life. Not one of the essays was about either of these experiences, but they’re all told in a personal and intimate way that helps convince readers of their authenticity and sincerity.
Now that I know what’s in this book, I’m even more perplexed at the choice of cover art. Was it meant to be tongue-in-cheek? Does the editor have an ironic sense of humor? Frankly, I still don’t get it. There’s such a reverence in the courage of these men sharing their experiences and heartache that an ironic cover would be a disservice to these men. But if it’s meant to convey a genuine message about the sanctity of temple sealings, that also seems disingenuous to the content of the book, a jab at the unconventional nature of most of the relationships described in the book. Regardless, it feels like a stark disconnect to me.
To be fair, Revising Eternity probably would not have been nearly the unexpected adventure it was if I had read the Table of Contents. When I came back to it after I’d read nearly the entire book, I was surprised to see a one-sentence summary of each of the stories. I’m sure this is meant to be thoughtful, however, I personally don’t really care for the approach. I think it’s an injustice to the complexity of these compelling stories to reduce them in this way. It also leans into the textbook ethos, which I’m convinced is not the best approach for this collection.
Now that I’ve read the stories, I’m surprised that they aren’t more commonly heard. The challenges that these marriages face must certainly be happening more broadly, but apparently are generally kept behind closed doors. Let me clarify—I’m not surprised people feel pressure to keep these kinds of experiences to themselves, especially in light of the considerable cultural propensity for obedience and conformity, but I am surprised the stories don’t get out anyway. I expect that many of these stories will be “news” to most latter-day saints. And to be perfectly frank, the sheer weight of the difficulty and sadness captured in these experiences will probably catch people off-guard.
A few of the stories are somewhat benign, for example, the husband making an intentional study of his wife’s efforts to love him. A number of stories tell of true but not entirely uncommon pressures on marriages like drugs, gender identity, and faith crises. But some stories will surprise readers with unexpected and vexing challenges like resurfacing bipolar disease or a cross-dressing husband or a wife insisting on practicing polygamy. Some of the stories end in animosity or tragedy, while other couples end their marriages amicably, and still, others find a way to carry on with their marriages despite the significant challenges. The collection is a healthy mix with no apparent agenda for “right” or “wrong” decisions but rather allows each voice to take on its own tone and message.
I would be negligent if I didn’t mention that only a few of these essays are well-written. This collection will likely never be held up as a model of literary nonfiction essays. Some of the essays make an attempt at creative organizational strategies, and a few of them are written by skilled writers who put to use an authentic voice. If you’re looking for a book full of well-written essays, you had best look elsewhere. But this was never meant to be a literary collection. Revising Eternity is, instead, a raw slice of some unconventional but very real lives. The beauty of these pieces is not necessarily in the mastery of writing but in the demonstration of everyman resolve in the face of uncommon hardship and trauma.
There are only a few of the essays where the central relationship that the essay examines is a traditional husband-wife, long-standing, temple marriage, and in these cases address unconventional challenges of those relationships. The majority of essays, however, examine a variety of alternate partnerships, relationships that are not exactly sanctioned by the doctrine of the LDS church. This focus, I take it, is the impetus behind the title of the collection. And these relationships do, in fact, raise questions about eternity for these intrepid couples and for those in and out of the church who sympathize with the challenges they describe. It’s a stark reminder that there is much we don’t know.
These are stories that are absolutely precipitated by the doctrine and the culture of the LDS church and, to a lesser degree, an American culture that has historically been intolerant of non-traditional relationships. That said, it might be a little disingenuous to label all of these writers as LDS, which the title does—a fair number of them seem not to consider themselves LDS, though they once did at some point in the past. If I have a complaint about this, it’s not about what label people want to use for themselves but rather in the misdirection of the book title.
In short, I adore the courage of these men to share their experiences, and I applaud Welker for assembling and editing this collection. Also, I would absolutely retitle and repackage the book to better capture the absolutely important messages these stories convey.
The experience of reading the book had both an emotional impact on me and an intellectual impact. Emotionally, I was bowled over, stunned, and left breathless at the profundity of the hardships faced by these individuals, almost always due to no fault of their own. My heart hurts knowing that there are people in the world facing things this hard in a world that is already so hard to navigate under the best of circumstances.
Intellectually, I am compelled to admit that I basically know nothing. I don’t know what it feels like to live the life these men live. I don’t know why their conditions don’t fall neatly into the well-packaged doctrines and policies of the LDS church. And of all the things I don’t know, I am reminded that I know absolutely nothing about what the next world is like, in what condition any of us will find ourselves in the next world, and least of all how the Lord can possibly account for the extraordinarily wide range of experiences of people in this world. Revising Eternity helped remind me that it’s ok to not know.
There may be those who read Revising Eternity with some intractable notion of right and wrong and what the next world will bring, and those readers may find themselves making definitive judgments about these writers. I’m not one of those people. The only conclusion I might draw is that these men have a courage I may never have the need to develop. I mourn with them. I celebrate with them. I stand with them as fellow human beings on this planet in hopes that in time we will know more and that we will ultimately be more compassionate toward one another. I’m pleased to find this book making important moves in exactly that direction.