Review
Title: Sealed: An Unexpected Journey into the Heart of Grace
Author: Katie Langston
Publisher: Thornbush Press
Genre: Memoir
Year Published: 2021
Pages: 237
ISBN: 978-1-7360136-6-3
Price:
Reviewed by Monya Baker for the Association for Mormon Letters
Seven-year-old Katie dreads her upcoming baptism. She’s terrified that she won’t be able to track and repent of each of her sins. Even worse, she doesn’t absolutely know the Church is true, and she knows that must be her fault. “There was only one reason the Lord would withhold a testimony: unworthiness.”
It’s tough stuff for a tender age, and it never goes away. Sealed: An Unexpected Journey into the Heart of Grace is a beautifully written memoir by Katie Langston that tracks her difficult, circuitous journey from childhood through adolescence, missionary service, marriage, motherhood, conversion to Protestantism, and decision to become an ordained minister.
Sealed could help parents raising LDS children understand how readily attempts at encouragement can feel like shaming. It is also hopeful for mixed-faith families. The author is happily married to her LDS husband and close with her LDS parents, but it took love and determination. She does not go easy on herself recounting insensitivity, anger, hurt, and a feeling of betrayal on all sides.
Running through the memoir are Langston’s efforts to manage a mental health condition called scrupulosity, an obsessive-compulsive disorder fixated around religious teachings. It’s hard not to conclude that Church doctrine—where blessings and approval must be earned—is uniquely capable of amplifying feelings of self-blame and condemnation. Although I left the Church decades ago, I found the idea of eternal progression inspiring. For Langston, it meant she would never hit the mark.
Rebuffed again and again as she tries to evangelize on her mission in Bulgaria, Langston assumes God is withholding blessings until she puts in even more effort. But disappointment leads her to grace. She realizes that she cannot ever be good enough. She will never be worthy of God’s love–no one can be, and God has no such requirement. Theologians like C.S. Lewis convince her that the point of religion is “not battling brokenness but accepting it.”
When Langston goes looking for that message of unconditional love within the Church, she finds it lacking. Instead, the messages she hears are about becoming worthy, a message hammered home in worthiness interviews. She fears criticizing Church leaders will rupture friendships she’s built with other young LDS mothers. Gradually, she builds a community of active and less active members where she can express herself (including, blessedly, one of her bishops) but she doesn’t feel a full sense of belonging.
When a high-ranking apostle comes to speak to her ward, she asks his advice for people who find themselves outside the box. “Sister,” he tells her, “Just stay in the box.” But her conviction that the religion she was born into does not fit the soul she was born with continues to grow. The idea of a transcendent, ineffable God moves her more than the idea of God as an exalted human man. Salvation as a gift makes more sense than salvation that is earned. Even as she distances herself, the Church chafes more than it comforts. Her entry into a Protestant seminary feels like a homecoming.
I find Langston’s contrasts of Mormonism to “Christianity” enlightening, and also jarring. I’d have liked even more clarification that Mormons do consider Christ essential for salvation. I’m also curious how she reconciles the idea of an unearned grace with common Christian notions of hell and damnation. But these are quibbles. The strength of Sealed is how Langston describes her lived experience and constant seeking.
Langston poignantly describes how hard it is to convince your family you aren’t abandoning them when you leave, and how to forge new connections. The passages where she researches Protestant ancestors and finds several pastors among them convey a sense of healing. Those who find joy in the Church have a hard time understanding how heavily it can weigh on the soul and how to connect honestly when loved ones are outside their faith. This earnest book could be a guide.